This is a post I have been wanting to write for a long time. It's a taboo topic it seems but I am really eager to address the elephant in the room - so to speak.
It is a bit taboo as I am going to discuss 1). Being childless & 2). God - Both topics seem to make some people uncomfortable when you openly share but writers push boundaries and I am a writer.
So you are over 35, single and without children or you are over 45, married with no children. This blog post is for all of you.
I fall into this category which is why I will be speaking from experience.
A friend that I went to high school with gave me a call recently & said "Are you dating? You will find love again, I just know it! You should date". There was a hint of sympathy in her voice. It made me quietly giggle b/c this person clearly doesn't know me anymore. I also get asked "Do you regret not having kids"? Sad eyes and an arm squeeze accompany the question.
Do I ever wish that I had a healthy baby & a devoted husband? Absolutely. I also wish that I was healthy. I wish that I was able to jog along the lakefront, travel the world and bound out of bed on a Saturday afternoon for softball practice. Wishing and wanting is ok when it is a reasonable goal but when it becomes a longing that makes me feel unhappy, it is a sign that I am not respecting what it is I do have. I am not respecting what it is God has blessed me with.....which is mountains of blessings!
So I will first share my experience & then I will share my thoughts for all of you that fall into this category of women.
Do I regret not having children? No. Why? Because I would be a single mother right now....as I am divorced, I would not be able to fully take care of my own child due to this unpredictable health condition. I couldn't bare that pain of not being able to care for my child unless there was a strong husband to care for the baby with me. If there is a regret in this picture, it is that I didn't call on God early in life. If I would have included God in my decisions, I would have lived a drastically different life & lifestyle but I am doing it now thank goodness(0: Again, I know discussing God makes some people uncomfortable but I can't leave Him out of this post because it wouldn't make sense then.
I believe in my heart of hearts that God is orchestrating His Will in my life & it is not His Will for me to be a biological mother...right now. I stand firm in the knowingness of God's plan for me. Did I always? No, not at all. I have made a ton of mistakes in who I chose to spend my life with and because of my own choices - both good & bad - I am single. I think when you are coming from a place of insecurity or 'want', you will attract just that in others thus an unhealthy relationship is born. When you are coming from a place of knowingness, confidence in yourself & God's decisions, you are going to get it right! It's as simple as that. So I had a very steep learning curve ...haha. I have learned from every mistake I personally made and when I am ready to find love, I know that I will. The truth is I believe love will find me. I do not have any doubts in this area.
I do not think a man completes you as a person rather compliments you. I do not think a baby completes you rather adds bundles of unconditional deep love to your life. I do think both are incredible cherished gifts that some are blessed with and some are not. If you are not blessed in this way, it's quite alright. You can find as MUCH joy, as MUCH purpose and as much LOVE in this experience we call life. It's true!
The fact that I am single right now is a very well thought out choice (0: Have I been asked on dates? Yes, several actually. Have I gone? No. I am learning to be single, taking care of myself and nurturing those wonderful relationships in my life. I am 100% completely content with my choices right now in this arena & I can say with the utmost honesty that I am happier now - in my spirit that is - than I ever have been. I love who I am. It's my body's capabilities & the endless painful symptoms of a health condition that I am not happy with )0:
As for all of you who are single and without biological children, there are SO many ways to fulfill the role of motherhood. You can start by nurturing yourselves.
Adoption, fostering children, volunteering at a girls/boys home for inner city children who NEED love in their lives, missionary work, being involved with your friends children, bonding with a niece or nephew, fostering an animal, having pets (they need moms too), babysitting, volunteering to rock the babies at hospitals, being a surrogate, being a nanny, being a stepmom, IVF, gestation carriers, etc. Shall I go on? There are SO many ways!!!
My overall message is to find a way to be content with what you DO have & realize that happiness comes in a plethora of colorful packages!!! Also, if you think about it - in many ways - we are all mothers.
All the best,