It Takes a Village.....
If you are struggling with a chronic health condition then you are noticing that all of your relationships are changing - some at warp speed. This blog is for you.
How do you maintain relationships and build new ones while struggling to simply get through each day?
I am going to tackle this topic. I will also have a Guest Blogger - my very dear friend - Cristina Michaels share her perspective which is being the 'friend' of someone with a chronic illness (me). Those of us with chronic health conditions know all to well our own perspective but what about those around us? Cristina's blog will appear within the next week. I cannot wait!
My goal is to share the perspective of everyone involved so, we will get to hear from a spouse of someone with a chronic illness as well. My goal is also that we will each walk away from this with a new found compassion for everyone involved. The intent of my entire website is to learn - gain perspective - open our minds - grow- love.
Living with Neurally Mediated Hypotension has been life changing for me as well as all of those wonderful people in my life. My friends & some family have experienced a loss as large as my own. They lost their friend who was active, healthy and social. They lost their softball teammate, their Saturday night dance partner, their shopping buddy, their friend who they would go bike riding, their friend they would sit at a bar with, watching the Bears game, etc.
As I stated under 'My Story', people - all of us - are not prepared for loss. We can imagine it, read about it, talk about it - but when the time comes, no one prepares you for how to 'deal with it'. People react in so many different ways from anger, compassion, bitterness, false belief, sadness, isolation, ridicule, kindness, tough love, etc. and the list continues.
Ideally, no one that you truly love or that loves you, runs away. Ideal scenarios do not equate to reality though (I wish they did)! The reality is - and I speak from experience - people are incredibly supportive at first and then similar to after a funeral, slowly go back to their own lives leaving you to pick up the pieces. It's the one analogy that always comes to mind. You will have those that stand by you though, those that get worn out, those that surprisingly never call or visit and just as surprisingly, others that step up to the plate in ways that you wouldn't have imagined in your best of dreams.
The only thing that you can control is.....YOU. So, this blog can go in so many directions which is why I need to stay on track (0: How are you going to maintain friendships and build new relationships in your life?
- You are first going to have to accept your 'new normal'.
- Secondly, you are going to have to get assertive via your limitations.
- You are going to have to communicate CLEARLY with those that you love & that love you right back regarding your boundaries & theirs.
Let your friends know what you CAN do with them & if you are too bogged down to come up with ideas, here are some of my own:
- Invite a friend over for warm tea or hot chocolate during the winter months. Be a great listener. People love to talk and people love even more to talk about themselves......so, let them. Do you know how nice it is to have a friend's home to go to, to enjoy a cozy relaxing night indoors with? All of our friends/family that are busy with careers, children, travel, etc., would appreciate some downtime. So, invite them over!
- A Summer Walk - head out to the lake (if you live in Chicago, you'd know how amazing being at the lake is) with a friend for a long walk. Pack up some summer snacks and stroll along the lake - it's uplifting for you & them!
- Movie & Pizza night (yes Vegans, I am talkin' Daiya cheese - no worries there - lol). Invite a friend over for movies & dinner. If you are limited via your new budget, make popcorn and ask them to bring a snack as well. This is perfect as you can lounge while you socialize.
- If your friend has children, offer to spend an afternoon at the park - all of you! How fun is this!!! You can let them know that you will stay for an hour or two and you can all picnic in the park. I think this sounds like a fun afternoon for all involved.
There are SO many low key activities that you can do with your friends & family. The 'key' is to let them know what you are capable of and what you are not capable of. You will be asked to push yourself, go to dinner, go to events, parties, etc. Be direct: "I appreciate your offer, it's so kind but my capabilities are limited & this is more of what I can handle 'X, Y & Z'. Some friends will not care for this & stop inviting you out and those friends might not come around as much if at all. This is OK. I think the fact that 'This is OK' is one of the hardest lessons I had to personally learn. I had a friend who thought I was 'scared' to go to restaurants which was not the case at all. I loved being a social butterfly once upon a time but people with POTS Syndrome's Sympathetic Nervous Systems are on 'overdrive' all of the time - any additional stimulation, sounds, movement, etc. stir up the nervous system even more. Being at a busy restaurant, for me, is equivalent to being on a merry go-round....Nauseating.
Amy Krakower will do a great job explaining this under the tab 'Meet Amy'.
So, you adjust and re-adjust. They adjust and re-adjust. No, it is not easy. Yes, it requires more effort on your part and on theirs. So, you all collectively make a decision - Am I going to stand with this person through this or not? You stay and you thrive.....and in the end, I promise you that you will all be grateful you did. Yes, that is a promise. You will all triumph in ways you might have never expected.
My last thought is that you do need to remain positive when you are with others. There was a friend that I would complain to constantly and I became a source of negativity for her. You don't have to dress up as Pollyanna {Please do not do this - Pollyanna is not authentic at all. She's dowdy} but you do need to be cognizant of what is coming out of your mouth. We are alone the majority of every day, no one understands the physical symptoms and it's depressing to live life this 'new way'. While all of that is true, being positive will not only help your attitude but your friend's heart. Yes, hopefully they will take time to be the shoulder that you need but you know, allow your words to ebb & flow when it comes to positivity. It will help you both.
Gosh, if there was an easy path for you - it would have been written already. This is such a faith journey that you or anyone that loves you, didn't ask for you. It's also an opportunity for all of you to get closer to one another, to the Lord, to who you really are at your 'core'. This illness will challenge everything - so accept the challenge. Get creative, assertive and learn how to communicate your needs as clearly as possible so that those that want to be of support, can effectively be that support you need. Be there for one another b/c this is what life is all about.
As for those that simply are not supportive, that have walked out of your life for whatever reason.....let them go. Let them go. Focus on those that remain and be grateful because it does take a village.
Much love!
Girl Gone Vegan,
Kelly Lynn
